@SortaBad: Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you're giving him what he wants
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@DaddyJew: Interviewer: may we contact your previous employers? [cut to the giant grave in the desert where I buried them all] Me: lol you could try
@pinapl: When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
@HomeProbably: Her: Give me a chat up line? Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper? Her: *laughs* Because I'm so captivating? Me: No, you smell like an animal.