@jwoodham: Never look down on anyone. Unless you're a lion cub named Simba and you're being held over a crowd of animals by a weird monkey doctor.
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@XplodingUnicorn: [out to eat with in-laws] Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne Wife: Hey these are my parents Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
@kalindi_rana: I can't feel my face when I'm with you, but I love it. Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn't even funny the first time.