@jwoodham: Never look down on anyone. Unless you're a lion cub named Simba and you're being held over a crowd of animals by a weird monkey doctor.
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@KalvinMacleod: [pearly gates] ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven ME: ok ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns ME: abSOULutely *clouds turn to fire*
@ArfMeasures: WIFE: Carol's hubby gives her flowers EVERY day. I'd LOVE u to do that ME: Ok [next day] ME [giving Carol flowers] No I don't get it either
@stephenjmolloy: [Job interview] "What are your strengths?" Me: I fall in love easily. "Erm, okay... what are your weaknesses?" Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
@MarfSalvador: [My band playing on stage] New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing? New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died