@jwoodham: Never look down on anyone. Unless you're a lion cub named Simba and you're being held over a crowd of animals by a weird monkey doctor.
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@SkylarTessier8: Insta before videos: hey look at my sushi ! Insta with videos: hey look at my sushi for 15 seconds !
@david8hughes: [at the opera] Me: what's wrong with that guy Wife: shh! Me: but he's tiny, he can barely hold that violin Wife [whispers]: that's a cello
@Book_Krazy: New neighbor: Hi. It's nice to meet you. Me: It's nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9 Neighbor: What's your Twitter @ Me: DAMMIT