“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
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If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
real
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
philosophical skeletons be like
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?