My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
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presenting your incognito window wrapped
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.