Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
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I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
🤣🤣💀
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door