He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
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If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
when someone rings the doorbell
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.