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I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Whoa 😂
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids