Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
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I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight