cat vs inanimate object
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Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
she has a point
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.