My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
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A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.