Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
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If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.