@FannyB1tch: Never pee with the door open, it totally freaks out the other motorists.
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@TomTheWicked: If I've learned anything from Twitter, it's that you shouldn't be learning on Twitter.
@davedittell: ZOMBIE MOM: Brains for dinner! TEEN ZOMBIE: Again?!? [slamming bedroom door] I wish I was alive!!
@naughty_aditi: Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?