If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
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*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard