Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
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“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Would you wear it?
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”