Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
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I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH