“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
You Might Also Like
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
😅😅😅
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip