“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
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Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
They got Raph!
damn he’s good
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
#parenting
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?