Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
You Might Also Like
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’