Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
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Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other