Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
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If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Stick it to the man
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.