starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
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“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.