I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
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Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them