Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
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Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
three things we don’t talk about
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard