@neiltyson: Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
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@internetluke: Waiter: Is Pepsi okay? Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am *coke storms off angrily*
@two1ohhbabydoll: "Bro, if she can still walk to the kitchen to make you a sandwich, you did it wrong." - murderers, apparently.
@_ElvishPresley_: *standing in front of my girlfriend's house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
@Book_Krazy: Cute cat "Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds" You mean sheds? "No" [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]