Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
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The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.