seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
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A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
very niche meme I made
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
why isn’t thunder called soundning
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!