Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
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Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”