Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
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Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…