Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
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I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”