@MollySneed: Never tell someone that it would work out if "only they lived closer". Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
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@chimneyspotter: I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as "when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink"
@ExtraGrumpyCat: This year I'm going to put the mistletoe in my back pocket, so people I hate can kiss my ass.
@TheIronSherk: The best part of a handshake is the knuckles. I dunno why, but the blender just brings out their richness and flavour