@cynicanoldicus: Never threaten anyone. It spoils the surprise.
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@GloriaFallon123: A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I'm "not afraid to eat bread"--so I'm done with socializing for at least a year thanks
@CelebrityChez: If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.
@therealeatwood: “Errors in pronunciation eventually become part of the language if used widely enough over a long period of time” — linguists, supposably
@dinnersruined: I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as "Dad" and he just stood there calling it over and over