If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
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I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times