[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
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SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
PLOT TWIST:
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE