Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
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At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.