Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
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The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Some people were born into their job.