@ristolable: Never tip a cow more than 15%.
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@DamienFahey: I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, "That's where it belongs."
@Cpin42: When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
@PaperWash: Things more likely to kill you than Ebola: - choking on a wheat thin - erotic asphyxiation - falling off the toilet - a duck with a gun
@ImaFlyontheWall: Drunk me used to set a "Mystery Alarm" on my phone to pop up and confuse daytime sober me