“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
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This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
When I snag the last meatball.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”