[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
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Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
The Friday File.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
no such thing as a dumb question
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.