Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
You Might Also Like
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?