@daplusk: Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade
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@joci2203: Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss? Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why? Cop:Lol, nevermind
@adamhess1: Boss: and you're sure you know the names of all the vegetables? Sign maker on his 1st day: ...yes
@WilliamAder: I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women's Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
@bonehugsnirony: Me:  I don’t trust anyone I meet online Me:  last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators