I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
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Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
This headline is a thing of beauty
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.