@audipenny: Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
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@PaperWash: [dog on trial for murder] lawyer: who's a good boy? dog: I am lawyer: your honor I rest my case
@LittleHarmonica: Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they're all like: You talk too much....and I want my Mommy.
@JasonLastname: If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
@the_gramble: Coworker: Do you have good taste in music? Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot