@audipenny: Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
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@notshivi: The year is 2075. A student asks how World War 3 began. The teacher responds with "Well, James Franco and Seth Rogen made a movie..."
@thatdutchperson: [first date] Her: know what you're getting yet? Me: a burger and one of those coloring menus. Her: oh, you have a kid at home? Me: no.