@audipenny: Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
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@ElgatoEsmio: [holding an acorn] “do you still love me?” Wife yells outside- "that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!” "Shaddup you!"
@Ideal_Victoria: Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*