Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
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WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Nomnomnomnom
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
A woman drives into a bar.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.