@KeetPotato: never trust a person who says they don't like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
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@ImSoFrancis: BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
@XplodingUnicorn: [watching "Cinderella"] 5-year-old: Why does she keep cleaning the floors? Me: Her stepsisters make her. 5: She should just buy a Roomba.
@DannyZuker: Pretty sure I know what my wife's getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
@CherBear162: Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can't even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?