never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
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Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
absolutely not
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.