@DaddyJew: Never trust a psychic wearing a band-aid, they should have seen that shit coming.
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@Taryn_: That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
@jiggynye: My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
@Kyle_Raney: [hospital] "We found the problem. There's an entire sheep in your stomach." "Is that bahahaad?" "Yes. It's causing some internal bleating."
@RobertJrDowney: If Twitter was invented by a woman, The character limit would be 10,000 characters.