@DaddyJew: Never trust a psychic wearing a band-aid, they should have seen that shit coming.
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@Brianhopecomedy: Did a somersault for the first time in years. I know that's not a good tweet but I'm getting bored lying here waiting for the paramedics.
@SadPeruna: Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don't have friends.
@machiavellino: (i go up to lady pushing baby in stroller and put my foot up on the stroller to address the baby) hey baby... is this woman bothering you
@pixelatedboat: I was the fastest gun in the West, I'd shoot you with a ham before you could even ask "What is that, some sort of ham cannon?"