I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
You Might Also Like
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.