1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
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Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
no regrets
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.