Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
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[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
The Friday File.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together