Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
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Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!