Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
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Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
time machine? you mean a clock?
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.