I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
You Might Also Like
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send