spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
You Might Also Like
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
mentally somewhere in italy
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.