@andylassner: Never trust anyone who says you need to come out of your shell because let's start with the fact that they think you're a turtle
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@DiamondLou69: Hot chick at the bar just said that she's gonna do something stupid tonight... ...I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
@AndyAsAdjective: [my kid, literally every school morning] "I hate mornings. I'm not getting up" [1st day of summer vacation] "dad, can we watch the sunrise"
@ComeHome4Dinner: *pulls shirt back down* I guess I don't understand what a flash mob actually is.
@usermcuserface: Well if it isn't my old nemesis. Bathroom scale: twists mustache and laughs maniacally.