Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
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[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Who called it baking and not making love
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!