Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
You Might Also Like
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Ummm
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go