@itshotterhere: Never trust someone who says you're more important than cheese. It's an obvious lie.
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@SoAnyway1: I remember the first time I saw my girlfriend, her hair was blowing in the wind, but she was too proud to run after it.
@flashember: [Enters baby room late at night] *flicks switch* [baby's got a raccoon in a headlock] "What the-" DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
@ImABaconDonut: Me: Thanks for the sex. Me: You're welcome. Me: Maybe next time we can have another person in the room. Me: That'd be nice.
@Midgetspar: Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I'm standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.