MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
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me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.