Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
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[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.