Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
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Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Not even remotely sorry.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.